Small Connections
by twotimesblessed
Summary: Kirsten and Ryan bonding over flowers, mothers and other things.
1. Default Chapter

_Disclaimer: The OC and its characters are owned by Josh Schwartz and Fox. I am just borrowing them._

**A Helper**

"Sandy, it's her birthday," Kirsten said.  
  
"I know, honey, if I could get out of it, I would. Can't we do it tomorrow?" Sandy and Kirsten entered the kitchen as they spoke. He headed for the coffee pot and poured both of them a cup. "I am available all day tomorrow."

"No, I have appointments. Besides, today is my Mom's birthday. I wanted to do something special. I thought I told you about it two weeks ago."

"You did, you did. I had it on my calendar and everything. But you know how it is sometimes things just come up out of the blue. What about this weekend?"

"I have today off, Sandy. Just for this reason--"  
  
"I can go." Sandy and Kirsten turned in the direction of the voice. Ryan was standing just between the dining room and the den holding a box of cereal. "I mean…if you need someone to go."

"Ryan, no, I couldn't ask you. You have school," Kirsten said.

Ryan looked at Sandy and then back at Kirsten, "It's okay, I just thought if you needed…"  
  
Sandy smiled brightly. "I think it's a great idea. It won't hurt him to miss a day of school." He walked over and put his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "I'm sure he doesn't mind." He pulled Ryan into a tight squeeze and then added, "You don't have any tests, right?"  
  
Ryan shook his head.  
  
"He'll be a big help. Probably more help than I would be." Sandy shook Ryan by his shoulders as he spoke.  
  
"Seth will mind," Ryan said. But Sandy was right— he didn't mind missing a day of school, although he had not known he would get that bonus when he had volunteered to help.  
  
"Well, I'll just mention that there's heavy lifting involved. I'm sure he will be glad to let you go alone," Sandy said with a laugh.

"You know what? Sure. Why not?" Kirsten said hesitantly as she walked to the end of the island. "Do you know what you have volunteered for?"

Ryan shook his head.

"Today is my Mother's birthday and I wanted to plant some flowers at her grave. The fresh cut ones always look bad after a couple of days and the silk ones don't last very long either. Are you still interested in helping?"

"Sure, whatever you need."

"Okay, then, after breakfast." Kirsten smiled and took a long, drink from her coffee mug. "Make sure you wear some clothes that can get dirty, but not too rough looking, because we will be stopping by a couple of places."

"There won't be any shopping, will there?" Ryan hated shopping and he wasn't sure he could do that, even for Kirsten.

Sandy patted Ryan's back as he removed his arm from around the boy's shoulders. He laughed at Ryan's apprehensive expression.  
  
Kirsten crossed her arms and said, "Well, I wasn't planning on it but I'm not making any promises. I have noticed that you need some new shoes."  
  
Ryan lowered his head, shook it, and then made a quick escape to the pool house. He would let them have all the fun telling Seth that he, Ryan, would be skipping school today. He knew there would be a lot of whining, complaining and challenging of the fairness of it all. A few minutes later he heard a soft rap on the poorhouse door. He opened and there stood Kirsten.

"Let's go," she whispered. "Before Seth sees us, he's in there arguing with Sandy right now." She put her finger to her lips and motioned for him to follow her. Ryan glanced towards the main house and saw a very animated Seth pleading his case with Sandy. Ryan turned to follow Kirsten, who was tiptoeing around the side of the house. Ryan wasn't quite sure why she was tiptoeing, since Seth couldn't hear them, but he smiled and followed anyway without the tiptoeing.  
  
When they got to the front of the house, she took off running for the Rover and jumped into the front seat. She put her arm out the window and motioned for Ryan to hurry. Ryan did quicken his step but he was definitely not running. Ryan got into the car and Kirsten pulled out of the driveway even before he finished putting his seatbelt on.  
  
As they left the driveway, she said, "I think we made it."

Ryan smiled despite himself. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we did." He was actually sure that Seth never even noticed that they were missing. When Seth got into his whining mode nothing much else in the world existed.

After a few miles the silence in the car was beginning to feel awkward. Kirsten tried to think of a smooth way to start a conversation. She didn't understand why she found talking to Ryan so difficult. She was actually quite good at small talk—it was a talent she had acquired from the many socials, parties and business meetings she had attended in her lifetime. Usually she didn't have to worry about it because Sandy or Seth was there to keep the talk flowing. Granted, Ryan rarely said much during those times either, but at least it didn't feel so awkward. Finally, she turned on the radio and said, "Find us something to listen to—but not rap. I hate that noise."

Ryan pushed the seek button on the radio until he found an oldies station. Bob Seger's voice filled the car with _Ole' Time Rock 'n 'Roll_. Ryan was sure she would like this station; it's the kind of music that older people like. He thought he had heard Julie Cooper listening to this stuff a few weeks back. Besides, the song wasn't that bad. He glanced in Kirsten's direction and she was already tapping her fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the song. He had chosen correctly. That was great, now maybe she wouldn't try to get him to talk.

After a couple more oldies, Kirsten turned the radio down and said, "Hey, what do you say about some Krispy Kremes? There's a store right up there on the corner."

"That's okay, I'm not hungry," Ryan said, but really he loved Krispy Kreme doughnuts especially when they were hot.

"Oh, look the sign is flashing. They have hot doughnuts," Kirsten said excitedly.

"If you want to--" Ryan wasn't able to finish his sentence as Kirsten turned sharply into the parking lot of the Krispy Kreme Doughnut Shoppe.

Kirsten pulled into the drive thru. "How many do you want?" she asked.

"One's good."

She pulled up to the menu board and when the speaker asked for her order, Kirsten said, "One dozen of those hot glazed, and two large coffees with sugar and cream, please."  
  
Ryan just looked at her.

Kirsten shrugged. "Nobody— and I mean nobody— wants just one Krispy Kreme."

Ryan was just finishing his third doughnut, when they pulled into parking lot of the Open Rose Nursery. He quickly stuffed the rest of the doughnut into his mouth and took a big gulp of coffee to wash it down.

"We need to pick up a few things before we head to the cemetery." Kirsten said as she exited the car, taking box of remaining doughnuts with her. "I'm just going to give these to the couple that work here. I think we've had our sugar overload for the day." She waited at the entrance as Ryan walked from the passenger side to join her. She paused for a moment when she saw some of the glaze from the doughnuts around the outside edges of his lips. She was surprised at that moment how young it made him look. She was so used to him acting so much older than he was that it was easy to forget, and then little things like doughnut glaze would remind her. She handed him a napkin and pointed to the corner of her own lips. When he realized what she was telling him, his cheeks flushed pink. He took the napkin and bowed his head as he wiped the sugar from his mouth, and she was once again struck by how young he really was.  
  
They entered the nursery and were greeted by two people, Med and Jean. Kirsten introduced Ryan and gave them the leftover doughnuts. Jean said something about a low-carb diet but that she could treat herself this one time. Jean set the doughnuts aside and then she and Med began to gather all of the items Kirsten had on her list—with one exception. Med came back and said, "I'm sorry we don't have any lily-of-the-valley tubers in. How about some daylilies or some calla lilies? Those are real pretty flowers."

"No," Kirsten said adamantly. "I want lilies-of-the-valley. Do you know where we could get them?"

"I'll call a couple of other places around here. How's that?" Med asked.

"Thanks, it means a lot to me. I really want lily-of-the-valley." Kirsten wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed her arm.

Ryan watched and wondered what was so important about a flower. All flowers kind of looked the same. Well, not really the same, but they all just bloomed and looked pretty. How different could this flower be that it had to be the only choice?

After 3 or 4 phone calls, Med informed Kirsten that none of the local nurseries had any of the flowers she wanted in stock.

Kirsten's face fell and for a moment Ryan thought she might cry. Ryan stepped forward and asked Med, "Excuse me, are there any really big nursery suppliers in this area? They might have them."

"Well, the nearest nursery supply is about an hour and a half drive from here, son. But I can call them if you are interested."

"Please, and we will pay for the long distance, just add a few dollars to the cost of the items we are already buying." He turned to Kirsten and said, "I'll bet that place will have them."

"Ryan, if we drive there and back and then plant the flowers, most of your day will be wasted. I can't ask you to do that."

Ryan shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his feet. "It's not wasted. I want to do it," he said as he kicked as small stone.  
  
Just then Med came back smiling. "They have them. Lots of them, they said. I'll draw directions on the back of your receipt."

Med and Jean helped Ryan load everything into the back of the Rover. Ryan looked at the carefully draw map as Med told Kirsten which way they needed to head on the interstate. Then both he and Kirsten got in the car and headed for the nursery supplier.

After about 10 minutes of silence, Kirsten said, "Lily-of-the-valley was my mother's favorite flower. She said they reminded her of church bells. Have you ever seen them?"

"No, I don't think so," Ryan said.

"The flower itself is really small but there are several on each stalk. And they do look like little tiny bells. They look so pretty and delicate. Her wedding invitations were even embossed with them."

Ryan felt sure these flowers were just like any other flower. But it seemed important to Kirsten and that's what really mattered. So he said, "Church bells, huh? That's interesting."

"I've always liked daisies. I know it's silly. Daisies are a very common flower. But I think that what I like is their simplicity. I think that's what mom liked about her flower, just simple, white church bells." She glanced over at Ryan who was leaning on the door with his head against the window. "Oh, listen to me. I'm sure you're not interested in listening to me extol the virtue of flowers."

Ryan lifted his head and shook it. "No, it's okay. I don't mind. So you like daisies, huh? I guess girls, uh, women like flowers, right? Because me, not so much."

Kirsten chuckled, "Yeah, I don't know too many boys, or men that care about flowers. Once on our third anniversary, mine and Sandy's, I thought I had a really cute idea. I went to the florist, had them make up an arrangement that would be okay for a man and had it delivered. I thought I was being so clever, but Sandy brought it home that night. He didn't keep it in his office, like I would have done. And although he never said anything other than to thank me, I understood not to do that again. I can only assume the other men in the office gave him a hard time about it."

"Yeah, I would have given him a hard time," he said with a smirk as he looked at her from the corner of his eye.

"So, you don't want me sending any flowers to you at school for say, your birthday, right?

"Right!" he said a little too strongly and then added, "I mean, no thanks. I already get a hard time about enough."

Kirsten glanced a Ryan again, "Really, are they still giving you problems? Because I can talk--"

Ryan sat upright and said strongly, "No, I mean… It's nothing. They don't bother me much anymore. It's just the occasional idiot."

"Okay, but if you need me to talk to someone, let me know." She tried to look into his eyes and give him a meaningful nod, but he would not look at her. He was now staring out the passenger window, shifting back into silent Ryan mode. Oh, well. She had managed to get him to talk for a little bit. She actually felt like she had won a prize—a small connection made with her always-aloof foster son.

"I'll let you know," he said softly. The car fell into silence once again for the remainder of the trip to the nursery supplier. It actually appeared to Kirsten as if Ryan had fallen asleep leaning against the window, so she stayed quiet and let him sleep.

But Ryan had not fallen asleep; he had only closed his eyes for a second to pull himself out of the hypnotic trance brought on by the passing landscape. As he did, a memory of other flowers in his life had come back. He remembered the smile on his mother's face when he brought her a handful of weeds that he thought were pretty when he was about six. Then he remembered the drawing of tulips he had made for her in the fourth grade. He could not afford flowers for Mother's day, so he had drawn them for her. She had smiled then too, and tacked the picture to the wall. But later that night, after many drinks, and Ryan's argument with her present boyfriend, she ripped it up, called Ryan an ungrateful brat and did not stop what's-his-name from hurting Ryan. Sometimes flowers don't mean as much as you think they do.

tbc


	2. Roadside Attractions

_Disclaimer: The OC and it's characters are the property of Josh Schwartz and Fox. I am just borrowing them. _

**Roadside Attractions**

"We're here," Kirsten said quietly.

Ryan's eyes snapped open and he was thankful for her rescue from memories he had thought were locked away. His eyes blinked a few times trying to adjust to the sunlight. They drove past a sign that said B & L Nurseries Next Right. Just after the sign, Kirsten turned the car to the right and before them were a couple of huge warehouses, delivery and semi-trucks and rows of plants as far as the eye could see. And curiously, to the right of the first warehouse was something that looked like a giant watering can; a giant watering can that was a couple floors high. It even had windows. Ryan blinked again to be sure he wasn't seeing things.  
  
"Is that a giant watering can?" he asked incredulously.

"Looks like it to me," Kirsten said with a smile.  
  
Ryan shook his head at her answer and asked, "And you don't find that a little bit odd?"

"Oh, sure I find it odd, but not unusual. There are several of these old roadside attractions in California. All over the country, really. You've never heard about them?"  
  
"Well, I did hear about some Paul Bunyan and Babe statues somewhere, but I guess I never really thought I would just see one out in the middle of nowhere."

"We're not really out in the middle of nowhere. Remember, you've been asleep. Anyway, this place was probably small mom and pop plant farm at one time and they built this to attract customers. There are people who write books about this stuff."

"Cool." Ryan continued to gaze at the unusual building as Kirsten looked for a parking spot, turning in his seat to get a better view.

Kirsten parked the car and opened her car door. "Come on sleepyhead. I've got some work for you to do."

They walked towards the first warehouse, looking around for signs telling them where they should go to purchase plants but there were none to be found.

"How do you think they built that spout? I didn't see any supports." Ryan asked as they walked.

Kirsten, preoccupied with finding someone to help her, asked absentmindedly, "Spout?" Realizing what Ryan was talking about, she said, "Oh, the watering can spout. You know, I don't have a clue. Maybe we could ask someone?"

"No, it's okay." They had more important things to do than find out about a silly spout on a giant watering can. He didn't want to cause any more delays in their task.

Frustrated with not finding a sign that would lead them to the right entrance, Kirsten opened the next door they came to and stepped in. Moving to the side to allow Ryan to enter, she noticed him glance back over his shoulder at the watering can before entering. He was obviously fascinated and she remembered that he had mentioned an interest in becoming an architect. She would have to find someone to show him around the building. If not, when they got back she would definitely talk to some of the architects she knew about explaining how the thing was built.

Inside the building there were many people busy processing plants for shipment. Directly in front of them was one young man with his back to them, watering some of the plants and his head, bobbing to the music in his headphones. Kirsten approached the man, who was now playing air guitar and asked, "Excuse me. Can you help us?" He continued to play his invisible guitar and bob his head. Ryan and Kirsten exchanged amused looks. Kirsten tapped the man on his shoulder, causing him to jump and spin around, just missing both Kirsten and Ryan with the water spray. Kirsten waited for him to calm down and remove his headphones before she said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. We are here to pick up some lilies-of-the-valley. Can you help us or can you get someone to help us?"

"Yeah, um, we don't really sell to the public," said the young man casually as he turned back to the plants and replaced his headphones.

Ryan raised he eyebrows in surprise at the man's rudeness and then cut his eyes in Kirsten's direction. He watched as anger began to surface on her face and he took a step back, because he knew this man was going to regret not helping Kirsten Nichol Cohen.  
  
"Excuse me!" she said as she tapped him again on his shoulder, holding on to the hose so that he would not get them wet. The man turned around and with an air of exasperation pulled his headphones off again. "Look lady, I told you--"

Kirsten--who had no intentions of letting him continue to be rude--cut him off. "No, you look, pal. We called here about an hour and a half ago and were told that you had what we want. As a matter of fact, we were told that you had quite a lot them and we expected the plants to be ready and waiting on us. Now, I would appreciate it if you would find someone who can help me, do it yourself or get your boss out here so that I can have this conversation with her."  
  
Ryan noted with admiration the sound of authority in Kirsten's voice. She could be quite intimidating when she was not happy. After living with the Cohen's for six months he knew exactly why Kirsten was successful at what she did. In some strange way it made him feel safe that she had this inner strength and he knew that she would fight just as hard for her own family. Unsure of what to do and feeling more that a little intimidated, the young man with the earphones stood for a few seconds staring at Kirsten.

"Randy, I've got this," a friendly voice said from behind Kirsten and Ryan. They both turned around to see a good-looking man in his late thirties approaching them. Then his face turned into a wide grin, "Kirsten Nichol, is that you? I can't believe it."

The anger left Kirsten face and she smiled as she recognized the man before them. "Tim? Tim Stanton? What are you doing out here?" He pulled her into a friendly hug, and as he released her he said, "It's been a long time."

"About 17 years. Yeah, 17."

"I saw Jackie a few years back. She told me you had gotten married and had a boy. This must be him, right?" Tim gestured toward Ryan who had been standing to the side watching. "He looks like you."  
  
His assumption caused Kirsten to pause, but realizing Tim was waiting for an answer she blurted, "No…Well, yes." Kirsten struggled to find the right words.

Ryan looked down at his feet and shuffled uneasily. He prepared himself for the uncomfortable silence he knew was coming as Kirsten tried to find the correct "PC" words to explain that he was just a boy whose mother had abandoned him and they had taken him in as a charity case. That her real son was at home, in school, and that someday Tim could meet him.

Tim gave Kirsten a puzzled look and he chuckled as he said, "Kirsten, either he's your boy or he's not." He tried to wink at Ryan, but the boy would not look at him.

Glancing in Ryan's direction, Kirsten noted that he had his head bowed and was almost certainly feeling awkward. Turning back to Tim she said, "I have two boys. The one you heard about is not with me today. His name's Seth, and this is Ryan. He offered to help me today; otherwise he would be in school with my other one. My mom passed away a few years ago and we are planting flowers at her grave today."

Ryan lifted his head and looked at Kirsten. Had she really said he was her son, without any back-story? Just that he was her son, not even the usual word "foster" placed before it.  
  
Tim frowned sympathetically. "I sorry to hear that. That's hard to lose your mom."

Ryan felt his chest tighten and thought of his own mother who was not dragged away unwillingly by some disease the doctors could not cure. She had walked away. Losing a mom does suck. He and Kirsten had something in common.

Tim extended his hand to Ryan and said, "Nice to meet you, Ryan. I've got lots of stories on your mom here. Give me a call if you ever want to use them to get out of trouble?"

Ryan grinned shyly as he said, "Yeah, I just might take you up on that."

"Oh, no you won't. He's lying, I was a good girl," Kirsten gave her friend a warning look. "Yeah, right. I'm sorry, but I'm thinking some of your college memories must be a little blurry."

"Okay, enough fun information." Kirsten clapped her hands together, effectively ending the conversation about her errant youth. She would like it to remain in the past and not undermine her parenting of Ryan and Seth. "Let's talk plants. We came here to pick up some lilies-of-the-valley," she said firmly.

Tim said "Oh, yeah. My new secretary got that call and Randy's right, we don't usually sell to the public, but in your case we'll make an exception." Tim instructed Randy to find someone to pull several lilies-of-the-valley and to make them good ones. Randy left to do as his boss had asked. "Now, Kirsten. You and Ryan here come back to my office and let's talk about old times." He extended his arm in the direction of his office and the three of them headed in that direction.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Got an example to set here." She nodded her head sideways in Ryan's direction. Now she remembered that Tim, although a nice guy, never did catch a clue.

Ryan smiled to himself at Kirsten attempt a changing the subject and covering of her misdeeds. He wondered what she would think of him if she knew that he had probably done all of the things her friend was talking about and maybe even worse. Well, stealing a car was worse, wasn't' it, and he felt sure she had never stolen a car. In an attempt to give them time to catch up he offered, "If it's okay, I'll just look around." Then he turned to Tim and asked, "Can I take a look at that giant watering can out front? That's what it is, right?"

"Oh, yeah. The farmer that owned this place built that in the 40s. His son works for us. I'll see if I can get him to take you on a tour while your mom and I catch up. How's that?"

"Sounds good, thanks." Ryan nodded his appreciation and added to Kirsten. "Call me when you need some help."

Tim led them into his office and then called for someone named George over the intercom and Ryan assumed George must be the farmer's son.

"I think I have a budding architect here and he's interested in the spout-- how it was built. Can George explain that to him?" Kirsten asked as she smiled at Ryan. Both she and Sandy felt it was important to encourage his interests and natural curiosity, hoping it would grow into a faith in his own future. They only had a couple of years of influence on this boy they had agreed to parent and she was darn well determined not to screw it up. Even if he didn't always believe in himself and his future, she would let him know that she did.  
  
Approximately 15 minutes later, Kirsten was at the door of the watering can. She saw George standing in the center of the room and asked, "Where's Ryan?"

"He's up in the top of the spout ma'am, been up there about 5 minutes or so. Its just a little room up there, only enough room for someone to sit upright and stretch out their legs. I'm startin' to get a little worried. Called his name a couple of times but he doesn't answer and I'm gettin' to old to climb up there," George replied. 

"Let me try." Kirsten tried to hide the worry in her voice. Why hadn't he answered? Moving towards the base of the spout, Kirsten called up, "Ryan? Ryan? Are you okay?" When he didn't answer she added, "Can you hear me? It's Kirsten, we're getting a little worried?"

Somewhere distantly Ryan heard his name. He shook his head to clear it of the voices. As he had crawled into this small, cramped room it had felt familiar. He had been in a place like this before, when he was terrified, looking for any place to hide. His hiding place had been just out the back door, next door to the neighbors yard and into an old doghouse that was no longer used. It was a hiding place that had served him well when he was able to escape the jerk of the month's anger and until he grew to big. Sitting in there with his legs stretched out, listening to them call his name, he was safe for a little while and maybe they would be too messed up to notice when he slipped back into the house. Someone was calling his name again but the voice was different, not his mom's voice. No. He shook his head again.  
  
"Ryan James Atwood. I am coming up there right now. What are you doing?" Worry tinged Kirsten's voice as she struggled to climb the ladder in the spout. Just as she reached the top and peered over the rim she saw Ryan sitting, arms wrapped around his knees. The position of his body gave her the impression of someone hiding. "Ryan," she said softly. "Ryan, it's Kirsten, sweetie." She saw him shake his head as though trying to wake him self and he turned his gaze towards her but didn't really seem to recognize her.  
  
"Hey, what's up? You okay?" she asked with great concern. Shaking his head once again, he looked directly at her.

"Yeah, um, yeah." He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Sorry, I must've zoned out for a minute. Uh, just trying to get a handle on how they put this thing together."

Something about that place had caused Ryan to "zone out." She saw the shaky hand and the fearful eyes. Maybe it was claustrophobia, she didn't know, but he was definitely frightened. "Come on, sweetie. Do you need help getting down?"

"No…thanks, I've got it" He made his way towards the ladder.

George helped Kirsten as she emerged from the spout and stepped off of the last rung of the ladder. "How's that boy? Did he curl up and fall asleep?"

Ryan jumped from the ladder and stood beside Kirsten. "I, uh, just got caught up in how it was built," he said unconvincingly. "I sorry if I worried you."

"It's alright, boy. It was a nice break from work. Just wanted to make sure you were okay."  
  
Kirsten put her hand on Ryan's back and guided him towards the door. "Okay, let's go. I've got the plants and they are loaded in the Rover. It's time to get on the road, again." For the first twenty minutes of the ride Kirsten's thoughts had wrestled with themselves over how to bring up what had happened. Knowing that she would be waiting until the twelfth of never for Ryan to bring it up, she asked awkwardly, "So, what did you think of that watering can? Did you figure out how they support that spout?"

"Yeah, no, not really."

"I thought that's what you were doing up there? What did you find out?"

"It's really cool. George told me that a long time ago the farmer had it fixed up as a playhouse for his daughters."

"Really? Sounds like fun. What was that room at the top for?"

"I don't know. George said his sisters used it to hide when they didn't want to do their chores."

"Hide, huh? Sometimes when I was little I wished I had a place to hide." She glanced in his direction, attempting to make eye contact or some small connection that would let him know that she understood. But he was looking at his hands and just nodded his head in agreement.

"Yeah, hiding places can be a good thing. Maybe I'll make sure my kids have one," he said sadly.

Kirsten thought she might have trouble breathing. Of course, a hiding place would be important to a boy who got his ass kicked, even on Christmas. She reached across the car, took his hand and squeezed. "You're kids won't need a hiding place and you won't be needing one ever again."  
  
Turning to look out the window, he hoped she was right and the car once again fell into silence.

tbc


	3. Nothing Temporary About It

_Disclaimer: The OC and it's characters are owned by Josh Schwartz and Fox. I am just borrowing them._

**Nothing Temporary About It**

Ryan didn't understand why he had reacted the way he did in the room at the top of the watering can. Old memories, sad memories had just swept over him but he wasn't afraid anymore and he had no need to hide. No need to be afraid of adults who took out their anger of a wasted life on him. No need to hide from the cruel words that never left a bruise on the outside but always left a scar on the inside. What a fool he had been to think he had those dismal memories stuffed away where they couldn't hurt him anymore. He knew now they would always be with him, haunting him forever. He wondered how Kirsten could feel so sure that his own children would never need to hide. Maybe she was right though, because he knew he would do everything in his power to make sure they felt safe, secure and loved. He wanted to believe that he had a shot at his dreams but something always ruined the good things in his life. Atwood's don't have the best of luck, after all. Someone or something is always there to keep you down. He was just surprised his good fortune had lasted this long.

Kirsten glanced at her foster son. He had grown silent after their conversation about his "zoning out" and she hoped he was thinking about what she had said. She had meant it. She would do everything in her power to make sure that Ryan would never have a reason to hide again--both she and Sandy would. Seth, too, for that matter. He was family now and you protect those you love. She glanced at him again and watched as he traced the stitching on the door panel. "Hey," she said softly. "Its 11:30, you want to get some lunch?"

"No, I'm good."

"Come on, I'm starving. I know you've got to be hungry."

"Yeah, okay." If Kirsten wanted to stop for lunch he wasn't going to disagree, but he wasn't sure he could eat anything. His stomach was still in knots. He hated the way the memories still did that to him. Sometimes it was like he was reliving all of the old feelings.  
  
"At the next exit there are several restaurants. What do you want?"

"Anything's good."

"Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King, all of the fast food places. Which do you like best?" She glanced at him, hoping for an answer.

"Whatever you want?"

Well, she wasn't going to push the issue, but she wished she could get the boy to a least tell his preference of fast food restaurants. Only through observation had she been able to pick up on the things that Ryan liked. When they had Mexican food for dinner, she noticed he was the only one who ate guacamole and he always took a second helping of the fajitas. She made note of which of the shirts she had given him he chose to wear more often. She knew he didn't really like the one with the stitching on the shoulders because he had only worn it a couple of times and it was usually on some family outing. She hoped someday he would be comfortable enough to say he wanted Taco Bell, or wherever. For now, though, she just said, "All right, let's go to Wendy's." After the bathroom break and ordering of food, they found a place in the lobby to eat their meal. Kirsten picked it out, of course; she had asked Ryan but he had just said anyplace was good.

"Well, we're about 30 to 45 minutes away from the cemetery, so maybe we'll be home before Seth even with our side trip."

Ryan nodded.

"We'll have to carry everything from the car out to mom's grave because the road leading in is a little distance away." She paused for possible comment from Ryan and when there was none she continued. "After we plant them we have to make sure they are watered well. There are sprinklers but we need to water them pretty well the first time to make sure they take root." She looked at Ryan, hoping once again for some sort of acknowledgement that he had heard her. He was looking out the window and seemed to be lost in thought again. "Hey, Ryan. Penny for your thoughts."

"Hum, yeah, water the plants. I heard you." Ryan picked up a fry and dipped in ketchup.

Kirsten watched him as he seemed to concentrate on the fries. "What is it, Ryan? Something bothering you?"

"No." He paused and picked up another fry. "It's just… I don't know. Never mind--it's stupid."

"I can't imagine I would think anything you have to say is stupid. Come on, what is it?" She tried to catch his eye, but as usual he was avoiding it. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Does this have to do with what happened at the nursery?"

His head came up then and he looked at her. "No, I'm okay. That was just old memories, I guess."

"Okay, then what is it, sweetie?"

"I don't know. I was just…I mean, I was…" He stumbled over his words. He dropped his head, then picked it up again seemingly having made a decision to say what was on his mind. "Back there, with your friend, when he asked if I was your son, you told him yes. I mean, you didn't even say foster son." He looked her directly in her eyes now. "Why?"

Knowing that this was an important moment in the future of their relationship, Kirsten took her time to answer. "Well, the way I see it, you are my son? No, I didn't carry you for nine months and no, you haven't lived with us for the first 16 years of your life, but you are here with us now. And I can ground you and make you help me plant flowers--that kinda sounds like a son to me."

"But I'm just…" Ryan searched for the right words. "I'm a foster son. Like a temporary son. You guys just let me live with you because you felt sorry for me." He began to study his fries intently.

"Well…I take exception to the "temporary" part but I'll get back to that in a few minutes. You're right--we did take you in because we felt bad for you. But also because we believed we could make a difference in your life. We saw a lot of potential in you." Kirsten paused for effect and then continued, "Granted, I was a little slower to see that potential, but I did see it. Sometimes I can be a little slow." Once again she tried to make eye contact, and this time she was rewarded with a look from the corner of his eyes and a slight smile that quickly faded.

"But you don't need to feel like you have to tell people I'm your son," he said softly as he swirled a fry in his ketchup.

"I'm proud to tell people you're my son," Kirsten said sincerely. "I'll admit I was a little hesitant, but that's mostly because I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. If you prefer, I won't do it again?"

"No!" He said a little louder that intended. Then in a quieter voice he continued, "I mean, no you don't have to stop. I don't mind if its what you want."

"Ryan, I want you to want it too. But I'm glad you don't mind. You're a good son. Sandy and I will always be happy that we made the choice to bring you into our family."

"Really? What if I do something really dumb?"

"Let's see. You are sixteen-year-old boy. I think 'does dumb stuff' is in the job description. Plus, I seem to remember you've already done some dumb things. Right? So, I guess you're stuck with us. I'm not sure, but I think I did a couple of dumb things when I was sixteen," she said with a smile. "Wait! No, I didn't."  
  
Ryan allowed himself a chuckle as he recalled the threats of her friend to reveal her blurry college memories. Then serious again he said, "I don't think--I don't think I can call you guys…mom and dad. 'Cause, I already have those. I know they won't win any prizes for the job they've done so far but…" Ryan's voice trailed off as he thought about his parents.

"But you have a bond with them, no matter what kind of mistakes they made. I get that and I don't expect you to call me mom. Really, Ryan, sweetie, you can call me whatever you want as long as it's not Kiki. I hate Kiki." She glanced in his direction and then added in a soft and serious tone, "You know, I could tell how much you loved your mother when she was here."

"Yeah, I do," he said sadly. "You know, she wasn't always so messed up."

"I'm glad. Maybe she will get her life straightened out one day. I hope so, because I know how happy it would make you."

That was one thing that he hoped for as well but he never really believed it would happen. His mother still wallowed in the self-pity of bad Atwood luck instead of making her own luck. He blinked away the sting in his eyes and attempted to eat his now cold hamburger and fries.

Kirsten reached into her purse and pulled out a ten-dollar bill. "Throw that stuff away and get some hot ones."

Ryan shook his head no. "I can eat it, believe me I've had worse."

"Not on my watch, mister," Kirsten said in her best mom voice. "That will give you a stomach ache and we can't have that. You still have a lot of heavy lifting to do."

Ryan smiled, took the money and headed to the counter to purchase the hot food. As he sat back down at the table, he handed the change to Kirsten. "You keep it," she said. When she saw him start to protest she said, "Take it. It makes us parents happy let you boys keep the change once in a while. I don't know why, it just does. So do me a favor, okay?"

"A favor, huh?" Ryan stood and slipped the money into his pocket.

"Thanks. Oh, about this temporary son thing. Not a chance. Like I said before you're stuck with us and I think we're moving into forever territory here." Kirsten reached out to Ryan and took his hand in hers. He looked at her hand and then turned his eyes toward her. Then she added, "I have another request. Do you think your future kids could call me and Sandy, Nana and PaPa? Or something like that?"

"I'm thinking, maybe, Granny."

"Oh, you better not. That's for little old ladies in rocking chairs." She pulled her hand away and playfully slapped at his as they shared a laugh. Looking at her watch she said, "We need to get moving. Let's finish up and get on the road. I think I'll let you drive this time."

Ryan took a handful off fries and shoved them into his mouth and Kirsten marveled at the ability of teenage boys to do that.

tbc


	4. Memories

_Disclaimer: The OC and its characters are owned by Josh Schwartz and Fox. I am just borrowing them._

_Author's note: First, I would like to apologize for taking so long to update this story but after the discussion on TWOP about grammar, tags and the need for a beta, I was scared. So, along came **KissingChaos**, the wonder beta, and helped me. She performed beta duties on the first 3 chapters and I have attempted to reload them. Keeping my fingers crossed on that one! And she has worked beta magic on this chapter as well. Despite what she says, **KissingChaos **is indeed a "Grammar Goddess". So, if anyone is still interested here is Chapter 4:_

**Memories**

Kirsten handed the keys to Ryan as they exited the restaurant and walked towards the Rover.  
  
Shyly smiling as he took them, he pushed the unlock button. "Thanks."  
  
Kirsten climbed into the car, snapped her seatbelt and watched as Ryan got into the car. He adjusted the driver's seat to the proper distance for him, then moved on to rearview mirror, checked the passenger side mirror, and the driver's side mirror, moving it around until it was in just the right spot. He then turned the radio off, and checked the air conditioning settings. Kirsten watched in amusement as he went through everything on the checklist of a driver's education course. After he had finished with all of the pre-driving preparations he leaned forward slightly and with great concentration--noted by the tongue stuck firmly in the corner of his mouth--carefully put the car into reverse. As he turned to make sure the way was clear for backing he caught Kirsten's eye, she was smiling and he saw movement of her hand. Glancing down past her face to her hand that was tapping her seat belt, Ryan's face blushed as he realized in all of his careful preparations he had forgotten to put on his seatbelt. He turned around, put the car back into park and still blushing snapped his seatbelt in place.  
  
"And you were being so careful," Kirsten said with a chuckle.  
  
Ryan hung his head in mock shame and then looked at her from the corner of his eyes. "I try."  
  
He turned around in the seat once again looked to see if it was clear to back, seeing that it was he pushed on the gas pedal but the car didn't move, so he pushed a little harder. For just a second, he couldn't guess what was possibly wrong, but one glance at Kirsten and her hand covering her mouth to stifle a laugh, he knew he had forgotten to put it into reverse.  
  
Embarrassed now, he jumped back around in the seat and turned off the car. "I give up." Pulling the car keys from the ignition, he dropped them in to Kirsten's lap.

Instantly regretting her laughter, she grabbed the keys from her lap and held them out to him. "Oh, no….I'm sorry. You drive. I shouldn't have laughed." Covering his hand as he reached for the seatbelt lock, she said, "Ryan, I'm sorry." And she was sorry, even if it had been adorable watching him take his driving duties so seriously.  
  
With a stubborn shake of his head and his lips drawn tightly, he pushed her hand away. "Yeah, I know. It's just…I wanted to do it right."  
  
"Sweetie, you were doing fine. Believe me, you have nothing on me when I was a teenager. If you agree to drive, I will share." Looking up at her through his blond bangs, he thrust his hand palm up in her direction. A wiggle of his fingers let her know that he now wanted the keys back. "Okay, I'll drive."  
  
A smile crossed Kirsten lips as she handed him the keys. "Thanks. And I really am sorry."

"You don't need to be." After putting the car into reverse, Ryan gripped the steering wheel with his left hand and turned in his seat to look out the rear window. Pausing as he turned back towards the windshield, his eyes met Kirsten's and he gave her a small smile. He had never driven her anywhere and for some reason it felt like a very important responsibility.  
  
As they pulled out into traffic, Kirsten said, "When I was sixteen I hit a gas pump."  
  
"What? A gas pump?" Ryan shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"Well, I didn't really hit it, hit it. I had just gotten my license and I was driving my mom and myself to the club. My car was running low, on fumes really. So I pulled into a station. And well, I turned wrong or something as I approached the pump because I kind of bumped the corner of it."  
  
"Bumped the corner?"  
  
"Actually, I didn't hit the pump itself. I hit one of those concrete, yellow pole thingies they have around them. You know, to keep people like me from hitting the pump and causing big explosions."  
  
Ryan's eyes opened wide as he tried to imagine the scene of Kirsten was describing to him and he grinned at the thought. "Seriously?" he asked. "What did your mom do?"  
  
Kirsten crossed her arms and hugged herself as she recounted the story of her mother's reaction. "Well, I turned and looked at her. It was like slow motion, really. She didn't say much. Just looked at the pole and then at me. Like she couldn't believe that a daughter she raised could be that clumsy. She got out of the car and walked to the front. And then she said, 'Well, another life lesson learned today.' And then she laughed and said she couldn't wait to see me explain it to my father." Bringing a hand up to her face, she pulled a few stray hairs back behind her ear and she gave a soft laugh at the memory of her mother.  
  
"That's it. She didn't yell?" Ryan's eyes never left the road and his hands remained gripped to the steering wheel.  
  
"Nope, she never yelled. I can't remember my mom yelling. She was pretty easy going. She had to be. I mean, you have met my dad." Kirsten paused as memories of her mom and the special relationship they shared surged forward in her mind. God! It had been a long time since she had talked with anyone or shared any memories about her mom. After the funeral, it had been too difficult to talk and it physically hurt to think about everything that was wonderful about her mother. But now it felt good, the memories actually made her laugh. Would Seth, and even Ryan, one day laugh at special memories they shared about her? She hoped she had been that kind of mother to Seth, and that on some level, she had touched Ryan.  
  
Ryan noticing the long pause and worried that Kirsten would begin crying. He really would hate it if Kirsten began to cry. He didn't handle crying girls very well. "You okay?"  
  
Kirsten looked in his direction. "Now my dad. He wasn't happy. Not at all. He didn't yell. He just told me how disappointed he was, which can really be worse sometimes."  
  
"Yeah." Ryan nodded his head slightly but his eyes never left the road.  
  
"He told me how he thought I was a better driver than that and how it could have been dangerous. You know the kinds of things parents say."  
  
"I bet you didn't drive for a while, right?"  
  
"No, I was driving the next day. No way was my mom going to let him ground me from driving and she always won the battles."  
  
They rode in silence for a few minutes as Ryan maneuvered them back onto the interstate. Kirsten was feeling quite good about the connections she was making with this new son, and she ventured a question about his past.  
  
"How did you learn how to drive?"  
  
Ryan hesitated before he answered, it was very apparent to her that he was expecting to travel along in silence for a while. "Um, what?"  
  
"You know, who taught you how to drive?"  
  
"Trey, my mom, Dan. I guess. Different people."  
  
"I taught Seth to drive. Seth refused to drive with Sandy. I think it had something to do with Sandy hovering over the steering wheel and gasping at every turn."  
  
"Sounds like Sandy." A smile crossed Ryan lips. If he had ever taken the time to imagine Sandy teaching him to drive, that is exactly what he would have imagined. His foster father would have covered every possible scenario and how to prevent it through defensive driving. Sandy could actually be quite the mother hen sometimes.  
  
"After Seth got off car restriction for calling Sandy an overbearing, self-esteem destroying ass; I took over driving instructions. Who's Dan?" After the conversation in the restaurant, she was feeling more at ease asking him questions, but she knew that she would still need to be cautious.  
  
"Uh, one of my mom's old boyfriends?"  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
"Yeah, I was actually only fourteen but he would let me drive around the neighborhood and pull his car in and out of the driveway. He was a good guy."  
  
"Sounds like it. What about Trey and your mom?"  
  
"Trey, mostly. My mom not so much." Most definitely not his mom, she was too often unavailable to teach him anything. Trey had let him drive, even before he had his learner's permit. Fortunately for his mother, that skill had come in handy a couple of times when she was in need of a trip to the hospital.  
  
"Did you ever run into anything like a gas pump?" She looked at Ryan closely, wanting to catch any sign that this conversation was causing him too much stress.  
  
"Once, but it wasn't really my fault. I'm a good driver."  
  
"Oh, really. So, what was I then?" Kirsten laughed and put her hand on her hip in mock indignation.  
  
"No, I mean. You're a good driver." His hands twisted on the wheel.  
  
"Relax, I'm joking here. I wasn't a very good driver. I ran into many more things than the gas pump. I bumped into our garage door. I drove too close to my mother's car and scraped my mirror all the way down the side of her car. Would you like me to keep going? It's actually quite funny. I have no idea why my parents continued to let me drive."  
  
"No kidding."  
  
"So, what did you do?"  
  
"I--bumped into the back of a car."  
  
"That doesn't sound too bad. Did it cause a lot of damage?"  
  
"Not to the car." Ryan tilted his head and shifted his shoulders in an attempt to relieve the tension he was feeling. Tension brought on by the memory of his first and only car accident. How could he have known that AJ was backing out at the same time that he was pulling into the driveway? It would have been helpful if AJ had his lights on. He could still feel the terror that seized him as the enraged man tore open his car door.  
  
What could she say to that? Kirsten could only stare at the boy next to her in the car who had held his hands in the perfect 10 and 2 positions and never exceeded the speed limit by even a mile since leaving the restaurant. Ryan rarely shared anything about his previous life, but when he did she never knew what to say. She had grown up with the gift of security. Spoiled, sure. But never she never questioned that her parent's first priority was her safety. To Ryan, safety and security were a luxury. "AJ's car?"  
  
"Yeah?" He gripped the wheel a little tighter and his body tensed, not sure if he could handle sharing more of his history with Kirsten. Sympathy was not something he needed. He just wanted to help her plant her damn flowers, not bond over his screwed up life.  
  
She watched as his hands twisted tightly on the steering wheel. Sometimes he could be hard to read but not now. This conversation was making him very uneasy and he was not hiding it very well, but she risked one more question. "Were you hurt badly?"  
  
There was only silence from the other side of the car. The muscles in his forearms tightened and his jaw clenched. It seemed to be a struggle for him to even form the words that he spoke. "AJ wasn't much on talking things over."  
  
With that she knew there would be no more information coming from Ryan. He had opened up as much as he was going to for now. She suddenly felt silly and shallow. As a teen she had whined at how unfair her parents were for grounding her when she broke one of their rules. It was just something that she thought every other child was granted on the earth. Even as an adult, she had contributed generously to foundations to help abused children but she had never allowed the reality of it settle in her mind. It just happened somewhere out there in the universe and not in her world.  
  
Looking out the window, Kirsten realized that they were not very far from their destination. "We're almost there. About 20 minutes, I think."  
  
"That's good."  
  
Unwilling to let the car fall into an uncomfortable silence again, Kirsten jumped right into the next conversation. "Ryan, I've been wondering. Do you like to draw? I mean, you've said that you are interested in architecture and architects usually like to draw."  
  
"I draw sometimes." Ryan wondered where this discussion was going, because he was not up for anymore rummaging around in his past.  
  
"Really? That's good to know." Kirsten made a mental note to make sure that he had all of the art supplies he needed to draw, paint or chalk or whatever he liked. "Have you always liked to draw?"  
  
He could see where this was going. "I don't know."  
  
Accepting that this was going to be mostly one-sided, Kirsten asked, "Did I ever tell you about the time that Seth had to do a book report in the fourth grade? It involved drawing a picture of two of the main characters in the story. Well, Seth hated to draw. Still does. Actually, he hated most of the art projects they did in school. His story was about a boy and a baby duck." Kirsten laughed at the memory of Seth complaining throughout the book report assignment. "So, Seth proceeds to draw a stick figure and then a capital cursive S. He puts a beak on the S and then adds feet down at the bottom. When Sandy pointed out that the S-duck was about 3 sizes bigger than the boy. Seth snatched the paper away from Sandy and wrote on the picture, 'The boy is standing in the distance.' We never questioned him again about his artwork for the book reports." Both she and Ryan shared a laugh at the Seth they both knew. They continued down the road with Kirsten talking and Ryan nodding occasionally. And he liked it that way.

tbc


End file.
